“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
You Might Also Like
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
By the pound.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.