[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
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all i want is to be as happy as this potato
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Mhm.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.