[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
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Free him
I drew y’all a little something.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
idk what this dog had been going through but same
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?