EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
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You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Nice try, NASA
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer