[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
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Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down