*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
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*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Me as a therapist: omg same
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!