Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
You Might Also Like
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
this could fix me
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
the answer was staring at me all along
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me