EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
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It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Cake!!
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
found my next D&D character name
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine