eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
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“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.