Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
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So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*