Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
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People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.