Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
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Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”