:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
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I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Always 🥴
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
This is the one
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA