EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
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“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.