Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.

Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.

Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?

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When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.


“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.


Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.


4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.


Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.


If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.


Her: let’s role play

Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo

Her: what?

Me: no his hearing is fine



ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly

WIFE: ok we’re almost home

ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!

[i run in]

ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee


Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.