When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
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“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Me: no his hearing is fine
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.