Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
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[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Vodka burrito was a success
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao