Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
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My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There鈥檚 a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
corn maze employee: you can鈥檛 smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i鈥檓 popping my way out
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can鈥檛 help but wonder if they鈥檙e measuring me for a rug
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
me: what鈥檚 the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight鈥檚 chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I鈥檒l come back tomorrow
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Lmaooo she has seen it all馃槶馃槶馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
i really liked this one
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it鈥檚 supposed to be safe, but I just don鈥檛 understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker鈥檚 still on, Captain.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*