EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
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Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
u spoke cat all this time??????
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this