employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
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I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Don’t talk down to me
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”