Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
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centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Not today
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.