Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
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[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
meanwhile over on facebook
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Me in tagged photos
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Who’s ready for Friday?!
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.