Employees must applaud the planets.
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Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Watermelon Boss!
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.