Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
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My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?