employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
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Impervious: being an admitted pervert
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Canadian owl: Eh?
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”