@Mr_Mike_Clarke A little too much information.
@Mom_Overboard Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
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@Mr_Mike_Clarke 
@fro_vo “Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
@CulturedRuffian INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
@lucidchemistry [in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
@XplodingUnicorn Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
@GrumpyBahr I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
@rmfnord The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
@FunnyBison “Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
@TheToddWilliams TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
@Swain_Train47 Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.