Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
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I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
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A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014