[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
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do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.