EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
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Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?