Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
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*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
not to brag, but mine was free
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy