Encore…
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wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’