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The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
However I die, I want my tombstone to say “Unknown Local Man Found Eaten By Squirrels.”
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.