End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
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No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.