End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.
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Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.
I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Just this preview of the story is enough
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?