[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
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Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?