[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
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My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes