[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
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Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him