Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
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If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Finally! 😈
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :