@bewgtweets
@CallousBalzac BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
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@CallousBalzac 
@Darlainky Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
@WittySassBasket A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
@JoParkerBear Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
@HenpeckedHal They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
@noog Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
@wildrainbow2 Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
@internetluke If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
@nekolot I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
@markydoodoo Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.