Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
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I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Me buying fruit and veg
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.