@toomanytoes

“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.

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@JediGigi

OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE

@OfficeofSteve

Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)

@ArfMeasures

[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there

@Reverend_Scott

Carl: So hot today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.

Me: Fair enough.

@ThugRaccoons

Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?

Dog: Shut up, Carl

Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?

Me: Shut up, Carl

@GinAndJif

Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?

@3sunzzz

If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.

@batkaren

Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.

@casual_koala

My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.