“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
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[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
*jingles half the way*
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
I know
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found