Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
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Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
huge valentines day plans this year!!
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.