ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
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Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
I’d use my best pan on you.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Big Sex has us all fooled
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
me hitting on a model
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.