Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
You Might Also Like
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
THE AUDACITY. 😤
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.