Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
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Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Very good news from my accountant
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog