Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
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SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!