Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
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[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.