[engineer looking at blueprints]

“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”

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her: did you know Weezer covered Africa

me: [impressed] with what


If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”


No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.


Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors


If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.


I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.


“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?


people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so


This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”


[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery