Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
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I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
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*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Alexa, make me look good naked.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?