Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
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Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.