[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
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i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.