[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
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GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.